So. It's Valentine's Day. Unless you're reading this sometime in the future, having missed today due to being unable to fit a quick visit in between your bevy of romantic appointments; the two-hour long breakfast in bed, the country walk with its dizzying clash and fumble of fingers as you hold hands, the heady, soft-lit romantic meal, the struggle to unlock your door in your mutual distraction, the tangle of bedsheets, the murmured, honeyed words, the full minutes you spend smelling their hair...Understandable, really.
But you're not, are you? Let's not kid each other. Lets not yank each others' chain. Let's get down to brass tacks. You're just not.
Reader, I feel for you. I want to hold you. I want to tell you everything will be okay. But I can't. You're just a little too physically repulsive for me to manage it.
So I'm going for the next best thing. You don't have to be miserable today! You're not alone! You've still go your favourite, trusty appendage! The one that's never let you down, the one that's there when you need it. Here's the BT's guide to a romantic night in with your right hand.
Step 1) Treat it a little
The first thing you'll want to do is splash out a little. I mean, it's done the same for you, right?! Only this time it's banknotes you'll be spilling. Into a cash register. Buy some nice moisturizer. Nothing less than £20. Your hand goes through a lot, and will appreciate some care and affection. Gently massage the moisturizer into the palm and rub it into the fingers and knuckles. Must not be used for recreational purposes.
Step 2) Take it for a nice walk
Head down to the park. Give it a nice airing, but bring some gloves if it starts to get a bit nippy. Feel free to let it brush through the fresh grass or stir the surface of a duck pond. Make sure you wash it afterwards though.
Step 3) Have a romantic meal
Find a smallish table - a bedside or general side table will do. Get comfortable and reach under the table until your hand appears at the other side. Now you have a perfect, uninterrupted view of each other. Food is optional - hula hoops are recommended since you can both get equal levels of enjoyment out of them. If you fancy increasing the effect, simply make your fingers into a mouth and mouthe along to the dialogue of your favourite romantic movie moments. The ending of Casablanca, that bit in Sixteen Candles, and so on. If you're ambitious try the infamous faked orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally. You can use your free left hand to say 'I'll have what she's having' at the end.
Step 4) Groom it
Give it a nice pedicure. Instead of ripping the nails off with your teeth like you usually do, file them down to a neat curve. By all means paint them, but for half of you you'll only look like a serial killer doing it, so proceed with caution.
Step 5) Retire to the bedroom
Gently carry it up to bed in the crook of your free arm. What you get up to after that is none of my business. Just remember to be safe. Premature arthritis is a bitch.
Good luck, and Happy Valentine's Day, lovebirds!
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