Now, contrary to form, I actually did do a small bit of reading over the summer; yet faced with a choice between the works of the most revered and established writer in English history, and those known mostly for their portraits of desperate men wanking themselves to death, it may come as little surprise that my efforts skewed mostly towards the latter option. So, as a way of testing how hot I currently am on Stratford's greatest son, and finding out the areas I need to bone up on, whilst at the same time perhaps providing you readers with a little enlightenment along the way, I present to you everything I currently know about the 38 plays of Shakespeare. Or maybe it's 39. We're off to a cracking start.
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Four young people - two lovers, a suitor, and a suitor of the suitor - run off into the forest. Elsewhere a bunch of amateur dramatists are rehearsing a play. Fairies turn up. Everyone keeps falling asleep. One of the actors gets his head turned into a donkey's and back again. All the painful unrequited longing is cured with magic fairy dust, and everyone returns home and watches the play. There's a bit of innuendo with a wall. It's quite good.
All's Well That End's Well
Helen miraculously cures a the King of France but her chosen husband runs away to war to avoid her. He attempts to court the virtuous, virginal Diana (named after the goddess of virginity; it's that subtle) but Helen swaps beds with her in the dark and he's forced to marry her. This isn't weird or awful at all. The title is a beautifully bleak ironic joke.
Anthony and Cleopatra
A roman general spends all his time shagging some Egyptian floozy. She turns out to be a terrible fighter and they both commit suicide. There's some more innuedo with a fig, because they totally look like ladybits when they're cut open. I know this because I've had intimate experience of both. The seeds are the tastiest bit.
As You Like It
Features cross-dressing, another forest, and a lion. As well as the 'All The World's A Stage' speech, which you'll find embossed on the pencil-cases of every Japanese tourist ever. (Aporogies).
Coriolanus
Long, apparently. Has a lot of war. They did a film recently with Voldemort and the bloke from 300, go see that.
Cymbeline
A mash-up of every Shakespeare plot device ever. Despite that, it isn't great, though my mate Sam reminded me it does have one character planning to shag a princess on top of her decapitated husband, so maybe it's worth a re-read.
Hamlet
One of the obscure ones. Lol jk, it's the greatest work ever written in the English Language. Hamlet has to avenge his father's death by killing his uncle. He decides to put this off by going a bit bonkers, taunting his mum, killing and old man and driving his girlfriend to commit suicide, which all seems a bit counter-productive. Generally I find RedTube a much better way to procrastinate. His wi-fi must have been down.
Henry IV Part 1
Prince Harry and his mate Falstaff spend their time drinking and sleeping around London. The king meanwhile, faces a rebellion by Hotspur, some jacked up little white-bread squit. The King tells his son he's disappointed him; the Prince immediately reforms, kills Hotspur, and saves the day. Falstaff gets to galavant around being a sot in a seemingly entirely separate play. It's brilliant. There's even a bit where they make fun of the Welsh.
Henry IV Part 2
The King faces another rebellion. Prince Harry grows up some more. Falstaff does more whoring and weedling. The King dies and Harry is crowned. Ends on a rather sour note when the English make a fake truce with the rebelling lords then have them executed, and Falstaff is permanently exiled from the court and thrown in prison, so is one of the 'darker' sequels. A bit like The Empire Strikes Back.
Henry V
Essentially a further sequel. King Henry fights the french. Lots of rousing speeches, no Falstaff. I've not read it yet, but I'm pretty sure there's no Ewoks.
King Henry VI Part 1
King Henry VI Part 2
King Henry VI Part 3
I've no clue. Supposedly the first things Shakespeare wrote. Universally acknowledged to be pretty dismal. I'll probably end up reading them just to score some brownie points with the tutors however, because I lick arsehole like nobody's business.
King Henry VIII
Given that this play's subject is a king who had two of his wives beheaded and needed a system of pulleys to get out of bed, you'd hope it was a nice juicy barnstormer. Apparently not; since King James was a relative, Shakespeare was duty bound to portray him in a reverently bland light. But maybe it was a bigger hit with Jacobean audiences; cannons fired at its first performance led to the Globe Theatre burning down, so you might say it really set the house on fire! I'll stop now.
Julius Caesar
Caesar is popular but undemocratic. He's killed by Brutus and Cassius, but the popular Mark Anthony rouses the public against the conspirators and they are eventually killed. I've not read this one either, and it's supposed to be one of the stone-cold classics. I refuse to listen to your theoretically mentally judging me. Lalalalala.
King John
King John is king despite his nephew Arthur having a stronger claim. He's at war with France, and they are both vying for the loyalty of a town. They come to a truce, which then ends; the Pope gets involved; the King orders Arthur to be executed; he takes it back; Arthur falls off a wall to his death anyway; the King is deposed. Oh, and a character called Philip the Bastard gets all portentous about things. Famously rubbish, I struggled through it in August when I could have been off enjoying myself, and now find I can't remember any of it except Arthur's death and Philip thanking his mother for shagging King Richard behind her husbands back. Fuck. I'm really hacked off now.
King Lear
King Lear divides his kingdom to his daughters corresponding to their professions of love for him; instead of playing along Cordelia decides to make a sarky point and ends up losing her stake, driving the King mad, plunging Britain into civil war and getting herself killed. I maintain she's the real villain of the piece. Nobody likes a smart arse. (Also as lots of good bits where Lear yells at his daughters and wishes they were infertile. A good 'un).
Love's Labour's Lost
Three male academics swear off women to concentrate on work; women turn up, breezy comedy ensues. Again, I bloody read this one and can't remember it at all. Has a 'lost' sequel. I hope they don't find it.
Macbeth
Scotland! Witches! Murder! What more do you want? Read it in year 9. The Roman Polanski version features the most depressing collection of naked breasts you've ever seen; they look like empty, fleshy socks.
Measure for Measure
No clue. One of the lesser comedies. Coincidentally, Measure for Measure is the name of a Shakespearean drinking game I've just invented, whereby two players attempt to match their drinks 'measure for measure' whilst not reading any Shakespeare. I'm planning on playing it every night for the rest of the year.
Much Ado About Nothing
Beatrice and Benedick wittily insult each-other until they're tricked into realising their mutual love for one another. Meanwhile, Claudio is tricked by Don John into believing his fiance Hero is unfaithful, and humiliates her at the alter. A priest comes up with a plan to pretend she's died that no one thinks is weird; Claudio forgives her, and everyone gets married. Actually has some relatively enlightened sexual politics for a change. It's probably my favourite.
Othello
Iago, resenting his master the moor Othello, convinces him his wife is being unfaithful. Othello fumes for a while and then suffocates her. Finding out the truth, he kills himself. Proof that
Pericles
Of contentious authorship. Uhh. I've got nothing else.
Richard II
A prequel to the Henry IV's and V. Richard II is a vain, manipulative king. He's challenged and killed by Henry Bolingbroke, who becomes Henry IV. A bit sincere.
Richard III
Richard, Earl of Gloucester, resentful of his physical deformity and ugliness, sets about seizing the British crown through a process of seduction, manipulation and murder. He marries the wife of the bloke he killed and has the two Princes murdered in the Tower of London (depicted as intelligent and willful youths, they come across as such insufferably smug little gits you'll want to smother them to death yourself). Despised as king, he's rendered horseless and dead in the battle of Bosworth Field by the future King Henry VII. A very blackly comic play. Richard's a wonderfully irredeemable git. But LONG.
Romeo and Juliet
Two star-cross'd lovers from warring families marry and consummate in secret, before familial in-fighting drives them to another hastily contrived Priest-sanctioned pretend death plot that ends up with them both committing suicide. It's pretty wonderful. Fun fact; I played Friar Lawrence in a school production of this play that had a 'mods and rockers' theme. I got to smoke shisha on stage. It was probably the peak of my entire life.
The Comedy of Errors
Two sets of identical twins are separated at birth by a storm and then spend the rest of the play being mistaken for one another. An early, trashy one, but pretty funny. Don't let the long fucking bit of exposition at the start put you off.
The Merchant of Venice
Bassanio wins a Portia's hand in marriage in a game of 16th century Venetian Deal or No Deal and the merchant Antonio rashly borrows money from the Jewish moneylender Shylock on the promise of a pound of flesh if he can't pay it back on time. He can't; the case goes to court; Antonio is defended by a mysterious lawyer delivering a speech on the quality of mercy and some linguistic wheedling; Shylock is treated very unmercifully at the end. A pretty miserable one, despite being a comedy. Little known fact; Woody Allen once played Shylock in his own re-written version of the play. His 'Hath not a Jew eyes? Are you kidding? The only thing a Jew doesn't have is full golf-club privileges' speech is a must see.
The Merry Wives of Windsor
Falstaff's back! Turning up in present day England for some reason, he plans to marry two Mistress's, who find out and play tricks on him. Lacks the weighty sullenness of the Henry IV plays for Falstaff to play against, but fun enough.
The Taming of the Shrew
Kate is a tempetuous, ill-mannered, difficult (n.b. read 'opinionated') woman who's refusal to marry prevents her hotter sister from doing so. All those with the hots for the sister employ Petruchio as wingman, who starves and imprisons Kate until her will breaks and she can make a speech bidding women to be servile to their husbands. If you can look past the misogyny it's actually pretty funny. But of course some people maintain it's all supposed to be ironic since the main plot is actually being performed for a drunken, foolish tramp. Meta! And bollocks.
The Tempest
A storm washes a bunch of people up on an island where the magician Prospero and his daugher live. The son of the captain falls in love with the daugher; the captain searches for his son, and two fools plot with Caliban to overthrow Prospero. More magic ensues everything turns out well, and Prospero forgoes his magic. A very late Shakespeare play. Saw a very nice out-door production at the beginning of the summer. Hangs together very well.
The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Unread. Presumably two gentleman from Verona are involved somehow. It's a comedy, so there'll probably be some cross dressing at some point to keep you occupied.
The Two Noble Kinsmen
Ditto. Presumably two...uhh...I literally can't be fucked. Lets move on.
The Winter's Tale
Ditto. Has a bit where the statue of the heroine, who is presumed dead, comes to life. You'd have more fun throwing your coppers at a living statue and watching him desperately grub around for them in the gutter. I know I would.
Timon of Athens
Ditto. Often performed in tandem with Pumba of Crete. I'm trying my best here.
Titus Andronicus
Ditto. Not to be confused with Titus Androgynous, which deals with the sexual identity crisis of an accomplished Sunderland defender. WHEN WILL THIS END?
Troilus and Cressida
Ditto. It's based off Chaucer's Troilus and Criseyde, which I read last year, so I should be fine, right guys?
Twelfth Night
Two twins wash up on an another fucking island after another fucking storm. One dresses up as a boy once a-fucking-gain and acts as go between between a duke and a widow. She falls for the former and is fallen for by the latter. Meanwhile the despised pen-pusher Malvolio is tricked into thinking his mistress loves him and should dress in yellow stockings. This sub-plot is better than the rest of it, which is fairly hum-drum. Stephen Fry's in it at the moment, go see it! Actually, go see QI instead. They put that on iPlayer.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's all folks! Apart from the poetry, which I'm ignoring 'cause poems are for gays. But otherwise I've not done too bad, thought clearly I need to bone up on the T's. Do a bit of a 'T-bone', you might say. Oh, leave me alone. I just summarised Shakespeare, motherfuckers. What did you do today? Read some tosspot's blog. Exactly.
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