Skins. Like pornography, you watch it with a vague sense of guilt and the feeling you could be doing something more worthwhile, but still, it's strangely entrancing. Also like pornography it seems specifically designed to help weirdos get off. Instead of that, I'm going for a blow by blow account of the first episode of the new series. Feel free to watch alongside: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSgfg7kMWAU&feature=hp_SLN_curated&list=SL
0:41 – Standard ‘teenager waking up and getting dressed in their kooky bedroom’ opening. Don’t all Skins episodes start like this? I’d appreciate a little variety. Something like ‘teenager wakes up strapped to a Russian missile heading straight for the sun’. At least they didn’t indulge in the shot of her nude back to get all the thirty-year olds hot and bothered. Maybe this series won't be as ruthlessly exploitative as the others.
0:47 – Just realised Kooky Lesbian is the girl who played Lyra in the Northern Lights adaptation. This gives me a fuzzy warm glow.
1:30 – She has two fathers. Ooh, how very modern of you, Skins!
2:44 – UNREALISTIC PLOT POINT No. 1 – Kooky lesbian manages to outrun some thirteen year olds on a mobility scooter. Those things go at about three miles an hour.
3:20 – First shot of up-her-own-arse-attractive girl.
3:43 – Upherownarseattractive girl gets her first line of dialogue. Unsurprisingly it’s shite.
6:16 – Why does every adult over 25 have to be a clueless dick? They’re still my favourite characters though
6:46 – I take back my initial optimism. We’ve entered a girls changing room. There’s no point pretending this is anything other than lechery.
7:00 – Oh look its upherownarseattractive girl in a sports bra. How predictable
8:56 – UHOAA’S TERRIBLE LINES No. 1 – ‘I’m coming through bitch!’
9:02 – UHOAA gets tripped up by Kooky lesbian. It’s rather obvious but fun anyway.
9:05 – A MUD FIGHT! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? It’s like a softcore porn film with worse dialogue.
9:07 – Chris Addison. I’m 10% less incensed.
9:39 - UHOAA’S TERRIBLE LINES No. 2 – ‘Better watch your fucking back. Or you’re dead meat. Bruv.’
10:10 – What’s this? Metal heads? Blimey, it’s a recognisable stereotype!
10:54 - UNREALISTIC PLOT POINT No. 2 – UHOAA apparently wields so much power she can make people surrender their seats. Maybe she can do that Darth Vader strangling thing.
12:00 – UHOAA asks Kooky lesbian whether she’s ‘not alternative enough for you?’ Strangely perceptive of her.
12:38 – RECOGNISABLE STEREOTYPE No. 2 – The apathetic Scottish/Irish teacher. Everyone’s had one of ‘em.
14:10 – First sign of casual drug taking. How edgy of you, Skins!
16:01 – Makeover scene. Is it just me or have we fallen into an 80’s teen movie?
20:40 – MUFFIN MUNCHERS! Sorry. Haven’t had anything funny to say in a while.
21:00 – They go on ‘Friendlook’. This seems oddly familiar and yet unrecognisable at the same time! You coy devils, Skins!
22:25 – Why is she blaming her gay dad? Homophobe.
22:39 – Misquoting John Donne. Philistines.
HALFTIME PREDICTIONS – Kooky lesbian won’t be a lesbian after all. She will symbolically walk into a crowded room with her new sexy make-up look to show that there was someone beautiful inside all along. UHOAA will be suffering some sort of family trauma. Kooky lesbian will get off with someone/be embarrassed by UHOAA at this party she’s going to. The quality won’t improve. We might see some side-tit.
24:15 – Homemade animation symbolising inner pain. DEEP!
24:35 – I love her gay dads!
24:39 – CORRECT PREDICTION! Symbolic door walk! Get-in!
26:30 – UNEXPECTADLY GOOD UHOAA line – ‘It looks like she’s been gang-raped by clowns!’ More of this, please.
27:52 – Apathetic English teacher has a Charlotte Bronte tattoo. Calls her’ the original fucking punk’. I’m quite enjoying this now.
29:40 – Rugby dick enters. ‘Was it your turn to pick up the soap?’ asks Apathetic. We’re on a roll here.
31:30 – Smoking weed and firing a BB gun at a refrigerator is the new way to symbolically unwind. It’s more tele-visual than wanking anyway.
33:00 – New character; edgy trench-coat man. He’s the only one to sport Kooky’s inner beauty. It probably helps that she is actually beautiful, rather than, say, a realistic outcast, who never are. But there’s TV for you.
33:25 – ‘Why do I see a glorious, fucking, headfuck thing?’ Presumably because she’s dressed like a punk hipster and has a gun. Hardly takes an Einstein to reach that conclusion.
33:49 – Leaves without saying his name. I’ve decided I don’t like him.
37:50 – UNREALISTIC PLOTPOINT No. 3 – The kung-fu female bouncer. Presumably she goes to the ‘Bruce Lee School of Overstated TV Feminism’.
39:17 – UHOAA’s TERRIBLE LINES No. 3 – ‘F-R-E-A-K’, hmm, now what does that spell, oh yeah, YOU.’ Blaarg.
39:40 – CORRECT PREDICTION! Embarrassed by UHOAA at party. I could make a living out of this.
41:25 – Posts gun through a letterbox. Symbolic of...what? I’ll get back to you.
43:22 – Symbolic strip and swim to indicate sexual release. And we were doing so well earlier.
Verdict – Better than expected. It’s brave enough to have the main character reject the usual ‘make-up makeover’ conventional approach and not wear any, any we never see her in anything less than a wife-beater, which is oddly mature of them. But it’s still largely mediocre. There always feels like there’s a better show hiding under all the cliches and swaggering attempts at symbolism and edge. They should let it out more often.
MORE UPDATES COMING VERY SOON! Stay tuned.
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