(Bell)End Times

(Says it all, really)

First off, an introductory statement by Ron Burgundy.

For a while, that was my only grasp on events. The little nugget in my brain that was chirruping 'Oh dear, there's some rioting in London!' had by last night ballooned into a tumorous chorus of 'BLOODY HELL, CHECK OUT THE RIOTING IN LONDON!' Eager to counter my ignorance with a good solid contextualization I scoured the various corners of the web - news websites, Facebook, Twitter, even Myspace before I realised it was stuck in 2004 and was still considering whether John Kerry had a chance in the Presidential elections - to build up an understanding. After a while thought, it became apparent that their wasn't just one widely accepted narrative, but two - the Option A, the 'sub-human scum' story, and Option B, the 'fascist pig police' one.

Option A describes the charming story of whimsical, cup-of-tea-on-the-village-green 'Er Majesty's England suddenly beset by a vicious-minded underclass; thieving, slobbering chavs rising up from their vodka and tizer fugs, dusting cocaine residue off the sleeves of their stolen SuperDry hoodies and raining down on proper, decent hard working citizens. A bit like Dawn of the Dead except instead of brains they're after Xboxs and trainers from JJB sports.

Option B tells a different story; after pursuing a Cameron-approved policy of needlessly murdering black people for fun, the Nazi-inspired thought police have driven the disadvantaged and the ignored to righteous violent protest, and at this point are responding with violence of their own, except this violence is the wrong sort where it's sort of...fascist and, evil, yeah? And racist. Let's not forget that it's racist.

And you know what readers? I couldn't decide. In these confusing and disorientating times, I desperately wanted to cling onto one simple and undemanding explanation of what was going on, because it meant I didn't have to hurt my brain with actual thinking. But lordy my, I just couldn't make my mind up.

Option A - the 'Mock the Week' version of events - was tempting in its clarity, except that I couldn't escape the conception that those responsible were mainly young people from poor areas and backgrounds, and that dehumanising them is one of the reasons they feel such an agency to take the piss now. These events are shocking and harrowing, yes, but they should only open discussion about the role economic disadvantage is playing in them, not bury it in mindless snobbery.

Option B - the 'Citizen Smith' version - was certainly dramatic and inflammatory. Sadly it also seemed to be bollocks. At this point in writing this I'd planned to copy and paste some links to news items that showed how thoroughly bollocks it was - items about how police stations were being left unharmed whilst small retailers were looted and burned to the ground, how fire and ambulance crews were being targeted, how BBM messages were advertising it as a free-for-all pick 'n' nick, how people had to leap to safety from burning building whilst another man died of gunshot wounds in Croydon - but after a while I gave up. Instead, I'll speak to you Option B'ers directly. Assuming you can read, that is.

This is not a socialist revolution. This is not a national backlash against the death of Mark Duggan. This is not righteous violence against a fascist, capitalist state that has been attacking the disadvantaged. This is kids looting. It's kids using taking the oppertunistic anonymity provided by the sheer volumne of unrest to take what they fancy and do what they like. It is not just big business high street shops that have been looted, but small, independant ones too. It is not just police stations that have been burned, but homes. It is not a fat cat or a Nazi who has been shot, but an innocent man.

Shall I tell you what will come out of this 'socialist rebellion'? There will be a huge backlash against working class kids who are perceived as a result as lawless and mindless, which will result in more persecution. There will be a huge national debt as a result, which will pool money away from social mobility projects. Whilst big high street retailers will be able to recover unscathed, the small ones, your average working class ones, will languish and go under. The police will be given greater power to use violence against people and further oppression. The harder Cameron comes down on these kids, the more popular he will become. And you'll have a new wave of 'injustices' to complain about. That's what you really want, isn't it? You want injustice. It gives you something to post facebook statuses about. You complete shits.

So, after much consideration, I've come up with my own narrative to explain what's going on. I think you'll like it. It's called the 'Bellend' version.

Here's what happened - one bloke, who was being a bit of a bellend, was met in a confrontation with police, who acted like bigger bellends, and shot him. This caused a a bunch of people to get rightly angry, and a much bigger and louder bunch of people to become bellends. Soon, a load more people heard about these bellends and decided to try being bellends themselves, in new but equally bellend-y ways. After a while people who weren't even in the same city decided to be bellends, and to such a degree that everyone pretty much forgot which bellend had started it. All this caused everyone to get either angry or excited, and pretty soon, everyone had their own bellend-y opinion. The (bell)End.

See? Short, sweet, simple, and unlike any other narrative, truly un-bias. For though we may be rich and poor, black and white, young or old, socialist or Tory - we are all bellends.

With that, I'm off. It's kicking off down in town, and I want to kick-start the uprising against the government, and get myself a new telly in the process.