So I missed two months. Yeah. Do you mind if we just forgive and forget? Kiss and make up? Stop bullshitting and get on with it? Hear, Hear.
Something very strange is starting off in America. I'm not entirely sure, but it looks like...wait...people protesting against large corporations...demanding a living wage...free healthcare...free schooling...hang on, is this...socialism? And by socialism I mean, a vaguely left wing movement? In America? Land of the free, home of the Captain Crunch's Peanut Butter and Marshmallow Crunch with Free Handgun promotion? The same America seemingly poised on choosing between two Action-men and a female Michael Myers to be their next presidential nominee? Mind boggled readers. Mind boggled.
Yes, for the past few weeks, Wall Street has been occupied by protestors intent on chipping away at the foundations their singularly fucked-up nation is founded on. I've done my bit by sitting in my room, heartily approving, and occasionally raising my free hand in red salute whilst masturbating*. Then about a week ago, a video surfaced of an incident of profound police brutality - the unprovoked kettling and macing of several female protestors. Boo, hiss! Thought I. Then I watched it.
First thoughts; horrible, yes. Brutal, disgusting, sadistic, yes yes yes. But I couldn't keep my eyes of the woman in the centre. I mean, Jesus. That reaction.
Now, I've had the misfortune of being pepper-sprayed in the past. And I can sympathise. It fucks you up. I only had a small dose, and look at me. I did the Igor.
But watching the video over and over - watching her fall to her knees, flailing and crying like a victim of the rapture - I couldn't help thinking that it seemed to me like a good thing she'd been pepper-sprayed. I was glad it happened. I quite wanted to see it happen again.
Then, later, I stumbled across this article by Mark Ruffalo. You know Mark Ruffalo. Well, okay, you don't, but perceptive readers might sort-of recognise him as that-guy-that-was-in-that-thing-about-the-lesbinims. I quite like him. I'm looking forward to seeing him as the Hulk in the new Avengers movie. But after reading that fucking awful gushing first paragraph...
It was a beautiful display of peaceful action: so much kindness and gentleness in the camp, so much belief in our world and democracy. And so many different kinds of people all looking for a chance at the dream that America had promised them.
...I couldn't help thinking that it would be a good thing if Mark Ruffalo was pepper-sprayed. I'd be glad if it happened. I wanted to see it really pretty badly. To the point that I was considering setting up a charity fund to try and make it happen.
At first I thought this was just simple schadenfreude. But it isn't. It's because modern day protesters are fucking annoying.
Over the past year I've attended several protests (well, three, and one was more of a sissy march, but if I remain vague I look more hardcore) and have come away with little other than a higher blood pressure and a greater general contempt for the species. I've made my views clear on the use of violence at other points, so I won't go into them here, but anyway; here's five things you can do to avoid protesting like a dick.
1.) Stop being happy
Let me lay it out for you; you're protesting. Protesting is, according to Wikipedia, 'an expression of objection, by words or by actions, to particular events, policies or situations'. By definition, you're unhappy. Unhappy to the point that your sole objective for a period of time is demonstrating how unhappy you are. So no music, no singing (sober chanting only), no smiling. And especially no fucking hugging. It's hard to take seriously people's grievances when there's 14 year old girls clutching at each-other's backflab in the background.
2.) Dress appropriately
By 'appropriately' I'm not talking anything specific. 'Not like a twat' is your only real guideline. Here's a simple exercise; picture a 'protestor' in your mind. Congratulations. You've thought of this guy.
In a perfect world this exercise would be pointless, because protester should look like anybody, precisely because they could be anybody. But after decades of cultural reinforcement we've ended up with a protester stereotype. Look, I don't really care how you wish to express yourself stylistically. It's just that if you turn up to a march with dreadlocks and a keffiyeh then I'm going to hate you, no matter how much I agree with your argument. You want to change the world? Get a haircut.
3.) Be specific
The protests I did attend this year were all to do with goverment's raising of tuition fees and cutting of the EMA, but in the midst of things this was easy to lose sight of, because I kept seeing signs saying things like 'ORGANISE A GENERAL STRIKE' and 'ONE SOLUTION: REVOLUTION' and 'CARVE OUT CAMERON'S EYES AND THEN GO FOR HIS KIDS'. It's a bit like trying to advertise a new cold medicine with phrases like 'CURES BLINDNESS' and 'MAKES YOUR BALLS MASSIVE' on the box. If you confuse a coherant and pressing argument with vague and hysterical pretensions toward anarchy of revolution you're only going to rob the protest of any sort of clarity and force. Stick to the party line.
4.) Don't succumb to the narrative
You know why Mark Ruffalo's article was annoying? He's succumbed to the narrative. He's forgotten that he's a mere human being amoungst a crowd of other mere human beings protesting against inequality between them and a further group of mere human beings, and instead sees himself as a member of a heavenly group of benevolent meta-people rallying against the forces of darkness and money and other baddy type things. People need to stop aggrandising. There's enough injustice in the world without needing to blow it all up into some massive binary soap opera. Yes, there are isolated examples of police brutality that are appaling and need exposing, but the police aren't the long arm of the Establishment, they're just a large disparate group of people given the task of maintaining order with virtually no training or direction. If we paint them as faceless henchmen of the order, we look silly. Then they get away with murder.
5.) Did I mention the Kiffeyeh's? I did? Well, just...stop.
These points are important, not because they annoy me personally (always a pretty good reason in my eyes) but because they're some of the main reason protests get ignored and derided. If you want to get a point across, show some maturity. Otherwise people only really want to see you get pepper-sprayed and do the Igor.
*Just kidding mum!
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