On Wankers

Five seconds of analysis could tell you that I'm little more than a drain on society. I consume its food, its water, its energy, ruthlessly squander its time and money, and it gets nothing in return except my disdain. But before you dismiss me and leave the site to do that *cough* research *cough* you were meaning to do, let it be know that I do have something to contribute. You see, I can spot wankers. And with my help, you can too.

This skill is more essential than it might first sound, because, unlike other kinds of flaw in humanity - cruelty, intolerance, pettiness or being Cliff Richard - the majority seem unable to spot it. In the 21st century we've managed to mostly condemn the bigots and bastards of society to its fringes, and yet wankers are more prevelant than ever. We're crawling in the fuckers. Which is why I'm the only man who can save us. Dun-da-dun!

A wanker, to distinguish the label from similar negative epithets like arsehole or cockend, is someone who's very being suggests they're permanently pleasuring themselves. They exist in a state of constant self gratification - stuck forever in that 15 minute gap before the unzipped fly and the encroaching feeling of guilt and disgust. Women, who are generally less well acquainted with the world of male masturbation, are thus much less likely to spot wankers. They see their deluded, self-satified manner as endearing and desirable. Remember that these men are, metaphorically, constantly tossing themselves off in front of you, and you'll see the issue. Similarly I can't claim to be able to spot female wankers; who do exist but are luckily much less prevalent.

So the following tips apply to spotting male wankers only. I can't give you the complete benefit of my talent - honed as it is over eighteen years of observation, perseverance, and never being picked for games - but here are some handy hints to get you started on how to recognise the tossers amoungst us.

1) If they are Smoking or Drinking in their Facebook profile pic, they're a wanker

This is distinguishable from people who are merely smoking or drinking in their proflie pictures; i.e. those who have been unintentionally snapped mid-consumption, on the fringes of a group photo, say. If they are Smoking or Drinking and making sure everyone who stumbles across them gets that they're 'just wild and edgy like that', they're a wanker. Same goes for anyone Wearing A Hat, Not Wearing A Shirt, of taking a photo of themselves in the mirror, whilst scowling. Dickpulls.

2) If they are constantly pulling 'that' expression, they're a wanker

'That' expression is akin to the pained, spasmy grimace made upon orgasm, turned into a kind of smile and worn almost permanently. It's more of an innately recognised thing, and again not easily recognised by women until by some tragic accident they end up sleeping with them, so here are some examples;



Those these all appear to be photos of me, please be assured that I'm merely assuming these facial expressions for your benefit. Also note that though each of these are subtly different, the wanker's own will never change - if you've been casually stalking a friends photos and think 'Jesus, who's THAT wanker?' after seeing some guy looking exactly the same in the last six photos, you can be sure he's the genuine article.

3) If they touch you for fun, they're a wanker

Wankers are extremely tactile. Permanently mentally jacking off, they attempt to simulate the motion by rubbing their sticky hands all over you. In the case of women, this will take the form of a massage or a hair rub or a casual fondle; when men get the treatment they'll be pretending to be gay for a joke. Naive non-wankers, keen to appear street-wise and sexually liberated in the world of 21st century sensual freedom, tend to tolerate this. Trying to resist them, or worse, trying to freak them out by beating them at their own game, merely encourages them. The best trick is to not respond at all. Just as there's no point tugging a limp dick, the wanker will soon tire of touching a limp you.

4) If they react to any of the following songs coming on as though Christ himself was descending from the fucking heavens delivering free cash and blow-jobs, they're a wanker;

Only Girl (In The World) - Rihanna
Barbara Streisand - Duck Sauce
Club Can't Handle Me - Flo Rida...and so on.

Or worse...

I Gotta Feelin' - The Black Eyed Peas
Little Lion Man - Mumford And Sons...and so on

Worst of all

Mr Brightside - The Killers

This is not an exhaustive list, but you should soon pick up enough savvy to recognise other such tracks. Riverside is excused for being genuinely awesome.

5) If they mention more than three things about how drunk they were last night, they're a wanker

I was originally going to limit this to one thing, but since mentioning how drunk you were last night has pretty much replaced hello as the standard greeting I'll make the allowance. Therefore if someone says to you 'oh my God, I was soooo drunk last night', you can ignore it. If they then go on to say how much they drank ('...literally, like, six pints, five shots of Jager, two...') and then where they went ('...Plasma, and then an hour at Polyp, and then on to B.M.'s...') and where they were sick, or where they woke up, etcetera, conclude the presence of a wanker. Add points for anyone who mentions an embarrasingly poor amount or uses the word 'chunder' un-ironically. Add more if they use it ironically.

Tune in again soon for more tips on spotting the walking hand shandys amoungst us. Because knowing is half the battle.